corn vs poison

[chelidon]

from my comment to another journal:

My own take on it is that there are only a handful of valid reasons to talk about someone (as opposed to talking to them directly) -- one is to a very few friends or confidants, asking for feedback and advice on a complex situation one is actively trying to resolve. This is hazardous, though, and takes care, as it can easily turn into gossip, depending on who those friends turn around and talk to, and it can rightfully be seen as spreading the seeds of gossip or trying to influence people to take sides if more than a very small number of people are consulted.

The second reason is broadcasting a warning. If I wanted to warn my community about a child molester in their midst, you can bet I'd spread that information far and wide. But that's only for very, very serious things, of genuine concern to the entire community, and I'd better be damn sure that the person I'm accusing is exactly what I say, otherwise it's pure slander.

Short of the rare occasion of legitimate warnings, spreading corn widely is almost always pure, simple vindictiveness, no matter what excuse, rationalization or justification is given.

I've come to change my terminology -- it's not corn, it's poison. Because that's the effect it has on people, on community. "Corn" is joking, fun, light-hearted, and can be community-building. When it's not for and about fun, it's pure poison. There are occasions when it's legitimate to use poison, such as getting rid of an immediate and serious threat. But in general, all that throwing poison around accomplishes is making the entire environment, and especially your local community, a much more toxic and less productive place for everyone. And that's a seriously unwise and terribly self-centered thing to do, methinks.

Comments

[rainysummerday.livejournal.com]

Great perspective. I struggle with this, needing to vent or process, while wanting to be true to my path and not cause undue harm. I have to check myself on this on an ongoing basis. There are people who I feel have hurt me, or that just rub me wrong, but to be true I have to come forward and tell my friends that I don't want my experience to influence their experience they may have with said folks. This is hard, good work, and as a few other folks have said it's not always easy to see that line between what is truly harmful and what is just not for me.

[chelidon.livejournal.com]

Thanks, and I completely adore your icon!

[yezida.livejournal.com]

I still find it useful to ask "May I vent for a little bit?" As a matter of fact, I felt a need to do just that this morning. If my good friend says yes, I will. And I don't let it go on for too long. Then I stop, and make some comment about the state of all we humans in general. This makes it clear to me that I am not spreading gossip, nor am I trying to demonize the person/situation I'm venting about, rather - I am helping to lance a wound. Then I felt able to sit again, align again, center more clearly again.

Now, if I did this all the time, it would not be functional. I do it rarely, but sometimes we just need to vent a little. We can even say "don't share this please, I just need to get some feelings out into the air."

Just my thots of the day.

[chelidon.livejournal.com]

I like your way of putting it -- lancing a wound (or potential wound) -- versus spreading gossip/poison. Venting is part of being human, too, keeps stress from building too high to deal with, can avoid getting to a crisis state.

Seems to me that in your case it's a matter of clear intent, and following clearly thought-out and sensible ways of manifesting that intent. It's not about keeping everything inside, isolated, unable to share with others or get feedback. Gosh, we'd all bust if we had to keep everything to ourselves.

The Great Lie is "you are alone," and it's so very important at times to get clear external perspectives from a close, trusted source or two. Or, as you say, just to vent a bit -- not as a pattern, but carefully, intentionally. And it is also about taking care not to cause more damage than is healed, not to intentionally or carelessly spread speculation or untruth -- to vent with integrity, as it were :> "First, do no harm," and "an it harm none..."