clear and open in community
Nov. 15th, 2005 11:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chelidon(edit of a comment made in another journal)--
I've been really, really spoiled, by my loved ones and chosen companions in this life. Not always, but truly most of the time, pretty much everything that happens is up front, right on the surface. It's not that we don't have our own private stuff, of course, but whatever immediately affects our relationships with each other comes up -- hopefully quickly, but in any case, sooner or later, it does come up, and does get dealt with. Always. And we all do the work, there is not a single person who does not. That dynamic is a big part of my own definition of "community health."
The working assumption is that what needs to be spoken, gets spoken, and what is said, is all there is -- there is none of the exhausting game that goes, "what did s/he *really* mean by that," or "what is *really* going on here?" No other shoes to drop, no finding out from third-parties what the *real* story is... Uh-uh. Life's too short to waste energy in those kinds of games, to burn energy in guessing, wondering, suspecting, projecting, assuming. Every time I've gotten myself stuck in those patterns with someone, I've had serious cause to regret it.
We didn't all start out this way, but those of us who could learn, did, and those who couldn't, didn't, and are somewhere else. Perfect? No, f*ck it's hard sometimes. Not everything gets dealt with as quickly as it should, but if something is not being talked about, typically it's known that it's not being talked about, and why, and the intent is still held that it *will* come up, and it will be dealt with in an open, healthy way, at the right time. In other words, things can get put on the back burner, but that's different in kind from burying or hiding something, or pretending it doesn't exist. What you don't look at, you give power to, and make it stronger.
And we all screw up, and actually hopefully for big reasons rather than small or petty ones. Mistakes are one of the best, if hardest ways to learn, and big mistakes are those you can learn the most from. I'll forgive epic mistakes long before I'll accept someone's ongoing petty bullsh*t or failure to actually do the work. And I've found the reverse is true as well. It's important to have space to screw up in communication and relationship, as long as yer actually completely willing to take responsibility for each mistake, and it's not actually a sign of a chronic failure to truly engage.
And so when the kind of open communication I've grown used to doesn't happen in my relationships, I am surprised, shocked even (and the reverse is true from those I am in community with). I mean, I've been doing this for a long time (19 years), it's become the norm. When any of us here doesn't do it, it's a big deal, because being clear and open (or at least trying) is just an essential part of how we live. I can tell you that as an only child (as is my partner), group-house/intentional community living has been a real learning curve, a huge growth process. But in that kind of situation (small full-time living community), the proof's in the survival of the group, and we've all been almost miraculously stable over many years (knock on wood!). Assumptions, game-playing, gossip, "corn," whatever -- it all will blow apart the group situation, and quickly, too, if allowed to continue and fester. So, whatever it is comes out, cleanly and with consideration for one's impact on others in the community, then you do whatever work you have to do, however hard it is and however long it takes, or...the group immune system kicks in. The stronger and healthier the group, the more effective is the group immune system. My own personal tolerance around bad communication is necessarily high in more general, casual social situations, but low (and getting much lower) in deeply personal environments.
I choose to spend my time and energy with those who can and do communicate well, and clearly, who make that committment to it, who really, truly try, and keep trying, doing the work, day in and day out. It's like a kind of language, that you learn to speak, haltingly at first, baby-talk, and then with more complex syntax and vocabulary. But personally, I wouldn't want to live any other way. At this point, I don't know if I could.
I've been really, really spoiled, by my loved ones and chosen companions in this life. Not always, but truly most of the time, pretty much everything that happens is up front, right on the surface. It's not that we don't have our own private stuff, of course, but whatever immediately affects our relationships with each other comes up -- hopefully quickly, but in any case, sooner or later, it does come up, and does get dealt with. Always. And we all do the work, there is not a single person who does not. That dynamic is a big part of my own definition of "community health."
The working assumption is that what needs to be spoken, gets spoken, and what is said, is all there is -- there is none of the exhausting game that goes, "what did s/he *really* mean by that," or "what is *really* going on here?" No other shoes to drop, no finding out from third-parties what the *real* story is... Uh-uh. Life's too short to waste energy in those kinds of games, to burn energy in guessing, wondering, suspecting, projecting, assuming. Every time I've gotten myself stuck in those patterns with someone, I've had serious cause to regret it.
We didn't all start out this way, but those of us who could learn, did, and those who couldn't, didn't, and are somewhere else. Perfect? No, f*ck it's hard sometimes. Not everything gets dealt with as quickly as it should, but if something is not being talked about, typically it's known that it's not being talked about, and why, and the intent is still held that it *will* come up, and it will be dealt with in an open, healthy way, at the right time. In other words, things can get put on the back burner, but that's different in kind from burying or hiding something, or pretending it doesn't exist. What you don't look at, you give power to, and make it stronger.
And we all screw up, and actually hopefully for big reasons rather than small or petty ones. Mistakes are one of the best, if hardest ways to learn, and big mistakes are those you can learn the most from. I'll forgive epic mistakes long before I'll accept someone's ongoing petty bullsh*t or failure to actually do the work. And I've found the reverse is true as well. It's important to have space to screw up in communication and relationship, as long as yer actually completely willing to take responsibility for each mistake, and it's not actually a sign of a chronic failure to truly engage.
And so when the kind of open communication I've grown used to doesn't happen in my relationships, I am surprised, shocked even (and the reverse is true from those I am in community with). I mean, I've been doing this for a long time (19 years), it's become the norm. When any of us here doesn't do it, it's a big deal, because being clear and open (or at least trying) is just an essential part of how we live. I can tell you that as an only child (as is my partner), group-house/intentional community living has been a real learning curve, a huge growth process. But in that kind of situation (small full-time living community), the proof's in the survival of the group, and we've all been almost miraculously stable over many years (knock on wood!). Assumptions, game-playing, gossip, "corn," whatever -- it all will blow apart the group situation, and quickly, too, if allowed to continue and fester. So, whatever it is comes out, cleanly and with consideration for one's impact on others in the community, then you do whatever work you have to do, however hard it is and however long it takes, or...the group immune system kicks in. The stronger and healthier the group, the more effective is the group immune system. My own personal tolerance around bad communication is necessarily high in more general, casual social situations, but low (and getting much lower) in deeply personal environments.
I choose to spend my time and energy with those who can and do communicate well, and clearly, who make that committment to it, who really, truly try, and keep trying, doing the work, day in and day out. It's like a kind of language, that you learn to speak, haltingly at first, baby-talk, and then with more complex syntax and vocabulary. But personally, I wouldn't want to live any other way. At this point, I don't know if I could.
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no subject
Date: 2005-11-16 10:54 am (UTC)