a link, a meme and two songs
Jun. 8th, 2005 01:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chelidonThis is a link to a great article a friend posted recently on her LJ, about the key factors that make for successful long-term partnerships.
An excerpt:
Do they touch and do they laugh? This is the single most important question I ask about people in love who want to get married. They are all I look for now.
Brides and grooms who do not touch each other, hold hands, sneak a kiss, touch the other’s cheek or brush away a stray lock of hair, but instead sit apart as if they were riding on a bus alone, they have no chance. Of course I cannot know this for sure, but I am sure nevertheless. They may stay married for 60 years but they have no chance of ever having even a single day of true passion and true love. I am not looking for physical lust. What I am looking for is the sheer joy of touching the one you love. You can learn this lesson in death as well. We bury our loved one in the ground and put a marker stone on top of the grave so that we can touch the stone that touches the earth that touches the one we love. Touching is the way love begins and it is the way we try to keep it from ending even in the face of death. Once, at a funeral I was told by a couple’s children that they used to walk in on their mom and dad slow dancing together in the living room. I was entranced by that image because I know that in dancing with the one you love, it is never the music that matters, it is always the touching.
Do we touch and do we laugh? That is how I know whether I and the relationships I am in are healthy. Is there fun, is there play, do I, do we laugh and touch? Yes, we do, because we want to. And, as it turns out, we do because play and laughter is not optional in a sustainable, passionate long-term relationship. If the play isn't there, I know something is seriously wrong.
A week or so ago I wrote an entry about that. This is part of what I wrote then, and I don't think I can say it better now:
The playful banter around the Casa here is almost constant, and a lack of it from any one of us is a pretty sure sign that person is feeling hugely bad or out of sorts. It occurs to me that wickedly playful interaction is a sign of affection, and respect, and the health of relationships, and it's one of the deeper ways we bond as human animals.
The play's the thing. It really is.
Next, I succumb to one of the recurring memes going around again, and no great surprise...
A bit fragmentary and abrupt, but you get the idea. Of value to artists, builders, thinkers. Cackling. Not just laughter, but cackling. Wild, wicked, unmeasured, uncontrolled laughter. Mischievous fun. Bad puns, and verbal banter, and flirtatious comments, and knowing glances, and rogueish teasing, and impish tricks. Puckish humor. Pure, delicious play. Yum.
It reminds me of a somewhat subversive and trixy volunteer group I used to belong to and help run many years ago, and the subject of our yearly national business meetings came up, and how to induce reluctant members to attend. I said, "can all the national business for a year, do that stuff locally, then just get together and have fun. You can have a cohesive, sustainable volunteer group which has fun but which does no business. You cannot have a cohesive volunteer group which does business but has no fun." I think I was right. Incidentally, I eventually stopped participating in the group because I stopped having much fun.
As I was writing this, the following two songs came up on iTunes in quick succession (see below). Ah, pop wisdom. Whoever does the playlists for the universe is a marvelous trickster, I tell ya. These are the days you might fill with laughter until you break -- break through the hard caked-on encrustations of dour puritanical practicality, fashionably bitter cynicism, carelessly oblivious numbness, and self-centered navel-gazing misery-making. May we laugh, and break through the layers and layers of no-fun which can at times swaddle us in thick walls of sticky stifling joylessness. May we shed those itchy excess skins of self-imposed isolation and safe, suffocating armor, and learn to dare to really deeply touch, and really deeply laugh. May we all get enough play, and learn to play well, and play well with each other. In play, in touch and in laughter lie freedom.
Io Pan! Io play! And Io cackling, trixy, michievous wicked fun.
You laugh you learn, you choose you learn
You live, you learn.
And now it is time for me to go out and look at the stars.
These Are Days (10,000 Maniacs)
These are days you’ll remember
Never before and never since, I promise
Will the whole world be warm as this
And as you feel it,
You’ll know it’s true
That you – you are blessed and lucky
It’s true – that you
Are touched by something
That will grow and bloom in you
These are days you’ll remember
When May is rushing over you
With desire to be part of the miracles
You see in every hour
You’ll know it’s true
That you are blessed and lucky
It’s true that you are touched
By something that will grow and bloom in you
These are days –
These are the days you might fill
With laughter until you break
These days you might feel
A shaft of light
Make its way across your face
And when you do
You’ll know how it was meant to be
See the signs and know their meaning
You’ll know how it was meant to be
Hear the signs and know they’re speaking
To you, to you
You Learn (Alanis Morissette)
I, recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone, yeah
I, recommend walking around naked in your living room, yeah
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles
(1) You live you learn, you love you learn
You cry you learn, you lose you learn
You bleed you learn, you scream you learn
I, recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I, recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears
(repeat 1)
I, I, oh, oh
Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually, anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend
(rpt 1)
You grieve you learn, you choke you learn
You laugh you learn, you choose you learn
You pray you learn, you ask you learn
You live you learn
(and if you want your own Alanis Morissette song, click here ;>
An excerpt:
Do they touch and do they laugh? This is the single most important question I ask about people in love who want to get married. They are all I look for now.
Brides and grooms who do not touch each other, hold hands, sneak a kiss, touch the other’s cheek or brush away a stray lock of hair, but instead sit apart as if they were riding on a bus alone, they have no chance. Of course I cannot know this for sure, but I am sure nevertheless. They may stay married for 60 years but they have no chance of ever having even a single day of true passion and true love. I am not looking for physical lust. What I am looking for is the sheer joy of touching the one you love. You can learn this lesson in death as well. We bury our loved one in the ground and put a marker stone on top of the grave so that we can touch the stone that touches the earth that touches the one we love. Touching is the way love begins and it is the way we try to keep it from ending even in the face of death. Once, at a funeral I was told by a couple’s children that they used to walk in on their mom and dad slow dancing together in the living room. I was entranced by that image because I know that in dancing with the one you love, it is never the music that matters, it is always the touching.
Do we touch and do we laugh? That is how I know whether I and the relationships I am in are healthy. Is there fun, is there play, do I, do we laugh and touch? Yes, we do, because we want to. And, as it turns out, we do because play and laughter is not optional in a sustainable, passionate long-term relationship. If the play isn't there, I know something is seriously wrong.
A week or so ago I wrote an entry about that. This is part of what I wrote then, and I don't think I can say it better now:
The playful banter around the Casa here is almost constant, and a lack of it from any one of us is a pretty sure sign that person is feeling hugely bad or out of sorts. It occurs to me that wickedly playful interaction is a sign of affection, and respect, and the health of relationships, and it's one of the deeper ways we bond as human animals.
The play's the thing. It really is.
Next, I succumb to one of the recurring memes going around again, and no great surprise...
A bit fragmentary and abrupt, but you get the idea. Of value to artists, builders, thinkers. Cackling. Not just laughter, but cackling. Wild, wicked, unmeasured, uncontrolled laughter. Mischievous fun. Bad puns, and verbal banter, and flirtatious comments, and knowing glances, and rogueish teasing, and impish tricks. Puckish humor. Pure, delicious play. Yum.
It reminds me of a somewhat subversive and trixy volunteer group I used to belong to and help run many years ago, and the subject of our yearly national business meetings came up, and how to induce reluctant members to attend. I said, "can all the national business for a year, do that stuff locally, then just get together and have fun. You can have a cohesive, sustainable volunteer group which has fun but which does no business. You cannot have a cohesive volunteer group which does business but has no fun." I think I was right. Incidentally, I eventually stopped participating in the group because I stopped having much fun.
As I was writing this, the following two songs came up on iTunes in quick succession (see below). Ah, pop wisdom. Whoever does the playlists for the universe is a marvelous trickster, I tell ya. These are the days you might fill with laughter until you break -- break through the hard caked-on encrustations of dour puritanical practicality, fashionably bitter cynicism, carelessly oblivious numbness, and self-centered navel-gazing misery-making. May we laugh, and break through the layers and layers of no-fun which can at times swaddle us in thick walls of sticky stifling joylessness. May we shed those itchy excess skins of self-imposed isolation and safe, suffocating armor, and learn to dare to really deeply touch, and really deeply laugh. May we all get enough play, and learn to play well, and play well with each other. In play, in touch and in laughter lie freedom.
Io Pan! Io play! And Io cackling, trixy, michievous wicked fun.
You laugh you learn, you choose you learn
You live, you learn.
And now it is time for me to go out and look at the stars.
These Are Days (10,000 Maniacs)
These are days you’ll remember
Never before and never since, I promise
Will the whole world be warm as this
And as you feel it,
You’ll know it’s true
That you – you are blessed and lucky
It’s true – that you
Are touched by something
That will grow and bloom in you
These are days you’ll remember
When May is rushing over you
With desire to be part of the miracles
You see in every hour
You’ll know it’s true
That you are blessed and lucky
It’s true that you are touched
By something that will grow and bloom in you
These are days –
These are the days you might fill
With laughter until you break
These days you might feel
A shaft of light
Make its way across your face
And when you do
You’ll know how it was meant to be
See the signs and know their meaning
You’ll know how it was meant to be
Hear the signs and know they’re speaking
To you, to you
You Learn (Alanis Morissette)
I, recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone, yeah
I, recommend walking around naked in your living room, yeah
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles
(1) You live you learn, you love you learn
You cry you learn, you lose you learn
You bleed you learn, you scream you learn
I, recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I, recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears
(repeat 1)
I, I, oh, oh
Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually, anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend
(rpt 1)
You grieve you learn, you choke you learn
You laugh you learn, you choose you learn
You pray you learn, you ask you learn
You live you learn
(and if you want your own Alanis Morissette song, click here ;>
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no subject
Date: 2005-06-08 06:10 am (UTC)*waves* hello. this is jessica (aka willow) who was at Tejas camp last Samhain. You graciously gave me the drum and a lesson with you and
no subject
Date: 2005-06-08 05:22 pm (UTC)Yes, for all of our delusions of grandeur, we're big-brained primates, and we're built to touch, to seek physical intimacy for deep family and tribal bonding. There have been many, many studies about humans and other primates and our physical patterns of touch, play and interaction. Studies have shown that if primates aren't touched and cuddled a certain amount as infants, they tend to grow up much less socially well adjusted, and display much less playful and joyful behavior as adults, have a much harder time showing empathy for others, have less successful bondings, etc.
I figure that's why kids love tickle-fights so much, from a very early age. It's fun play, and it's safe but intimate touch, a kind of bonding. In every group house I've been in, there's a certain level of physical closeness, even among people who aren't physically demonstrative in the "outside world." We sit close while watching movies, give backrubs and footrubs, and so on -- it doesn't even necessarily have any sexual connotations (and in most cases, does not) -- it's more a way of sharing tribal intimacy, of bonding and showing and building trust and affection.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 04:29 am (UTC)I used to live in group houses in my early to mid-twenties and there was that level on physical closeness. It used to make me a little uncomfortable, because I wasn't familiar with touch outside of a sexual context, but eventually I grew confortable with the hugs and even went to massage therapy school. My partner and I are working hard to make sure our daughter doesn't feel that way - that she feels touch is a natural and normal thing. Our families are surprised at the closeness, but always comment on how happy and well-adjusted she is. Hopefully, that will carry on to the teen years. She's 4 now.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 10:23 pm (UTC)I'll miss seeing you at camp if you decide not to go, but I'm sure the Diana's Grove intensive would be fine as well...just not the delightful Tejas camp, of course ;> If you do get yourself another drum, that would be a generous thing if you passed the drum on to someone else in the community. I am hoping that particular tradition will continue on for a long time.
Touching
Date: 2005-06-08 03:38 pm (UTC)What a gentle reminder!
I love that you have shared this with folks.
Touch shared in a loving way has been so transformative for me in my thirties. Touch was shared in a violent way when I was young and as a young adult I just didn't touch folks much because I associated touch with those former violent memories.
Thank you and thank your friend.
With love and gratitude,
Swansister
Re: Touching
Date: 2005-06-08 05:26 pm (UTC)On a less extreme level, in my family, my father was physically very aloof -- partially cultural, and partially family abuse issues, but I have found that I consciously try to be more physical with my son, to have less physical distance between us. I think he's better off for it, and I know I am.
Thanks for writing -- it's good to "see" you here. Will you be at DreamRoads?
Re: Touching
Date: 2005-06-11 03:20 pm (UTC)I just found out that Oak and Silver can't go to Dreamroads so no, I won't be going now. We were going to bunk and ride down together. However I plan on coming next year! I want to bring my daughter. My best friend, Red will be there this year with her family!
Hey, would you add me to your list of friends so that you will recieve my posts? I'd love to hear from you.
I trust you are well.
Hugs,
Swansister
no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 01:50 am (UTC)That being said, I loved your artilce.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 04:25 am (UTC)What I intended to write about, though, was more intimacy between partners and others with whom we do share bonds of closeness. If there's not much play, little laughter or regular physicality, that's often a pretty bad sign.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 02:00 pm (UTC)Some couples are also hesitant about being affectionate before marriage, as that may lead to premarital sex, which is considered a sin in many religious traditions.