unlearning bad habits

[chelidon]

So after my screed on making time for love (self-love and other-love) the other day, I started trying to put it into practice. For the last two days, I've consciously tried to stop multi-tasking whenever I'm interacting with someone I care about.

And damn but it's hard, and habits are hard to break. I keep having to take notice, slow down, focus, and stop automatically multi-tasking. For example, I was talking to my Ravishing Partner on the phone while at work yesterday, and I finally just had to close the cover on the laptop so I would stop repeatedly glancing up at my email queue and schedule for the day. I am going to focus on one. person. at. a. time. Argh.

It really wasn't fully clear to me until I tried to stop, just how much of a compulsive multi-tasker I have become, just how split my attention is, not just some of the time, but most of the time. Being busy is no excuse for making shallow human connections, in small or large ways. I am consciously trying to look people in the eyes when I pass them in the hall and say hello, consciously not looking at my watch when talking to people (I mean, how rude!), consciously not letting my mind wander to other issues and the rest of my day/week/month when I'm dealing with people. And just a couple of days into it, I like the results, the increased depth of connectedness I feel.

This kind of thing is probably harder for some folks than others (especially those of us with perhaps more than a wee tendency towards ADD), but by the gods, what mystfemme said the other day is spot-on -- as a culture, we are all ADD, our norm has become, more and more, splitting ourselves, our time and our attention into smaller and smaller bits. That's not natural, and I don't think it's healthy. We are built to connect, to focus and be present and be real with one another, and it really does make a difference.

So, for me, part of my daily practice right now is focus, and in particular on people -- one at a time, and just being there. It may not be as "efficient," but it seems to me that it's a whole lot more real.

Comments

[coraljune.livejournal.com]

I've been trying to do the same thing since reading that post. It's harder than I thought it would be. If I'm on the phone, walking away from the computer seems to mean that I'll try to do something else with my idle hands -- sort through bills or paperwork, start a load of laundry, make a sandwich -- so the best solution I've found (in these two days' time) is to turn off the monitor and swivel my chair around to not face the computer. That way, when I turn back around, to compulsively refresh my email or something, I see the black monitor and remember I'm Not Doing That Anymore.

Geez, why is it that reading you always makes me do annoying things like grow and stretch for better? ;->

[america-divine.livejournal.com]

I notice that busy-ness, as in cruch-periods at work, sends my mind to seemingly unrelated anxieties, like politics (at root of both, it seems, is feeling disempowered), and that the unrelated anxiety can last longer than the busy-ness.

I find I need time alone on a regular basis to be able to authentically engage--undistractedly--in the way you describe. I need a couple of hours of contemplative time alone every day.

[garn-et.livejournal.com]

I think the wisdom in what you wrote definitely strikes a chord for me. But boy does it make me twitch when I try it but it's easier if I have my three souls in line which in itself requires making time for self-love. Now all I need to do is remember.

[mystfemme.livejournal.com]

I'm having to consciously work at it, too. I am addicted to tippy, tippy typing away while talking on the phone.

A couple of months ago I became convinced that traffic lights were significantly longer than they used to be until I timed some. They haven't changed. I just don't have anything to do for one whole minute while I wait, whereas at work I can check the news while a phone dials. Sheesh.

It took noticing that I was not fully giving myself to people I care about and getting my feelings hurt by others not giving me their full attention for me to decide to do it differently, though. So far it has been hard. I have to CHOOSE to do it differently every time, every moment.