more good/tired thoughts on mastery
Nov. 13th, 2007 12:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chelidonAn hour spent eating a very yummy Indian dinner with Lovely Housemate ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lylythe_strega at a restaurant from 930-1030pm last night after our show rehearsal was the only bit of totally free time I've had longer than a few minutes for at least a week, and the only time I'm likely to have until sometime in the middle of next week.
I got up early this morning and cleaned out the wood boiler and loaded it with wood for whomever gets home first this afternoon to start it up, and set down another two rows of oak flooring upstairs, had a few minutes of hang-out time with my son and walked him up to his school bus, did a little road patching on the way back down, then made it off to work for an early-morning hospital Director's meeting, have a long series of meetings with my staff all day today, and after work when I get home I've got a laundry list of building projects that'll take me through late tonight, when the first few guests for the event we're hosting through the end of this week begin to arrive. I took tomorrow through Friday off from work, and the project list for tomorrow is daunting, but, I hope, doable. And in what few free moments have come along in the last week, I've been finalizing meeting and hosting logistics for this week, organizing several other upcoming events on our land, and trying to moderate and mediate several intense, contentious and potentially divisive discussions and issues involving spiritual and religious organizations I am involved with.
It should be too much, it really should. But it isn't. Because this is all such good work. Home, career, theatre, teaching, facilitation...all of this stuff is deeply, deeply feeding me on every level, and (at least so far) enabling me to keep up a pace that even being somewhat notorious for burning the candles on both and every end, I find kind of surprising. Do I want to keep up this pace? No, I can't believe that's sustainable. But while I do have occasional moments when the fatigue catches up with me for a minute, this load seems doable, for a little while -- a challenge, some hard work, but hard in a way that stretches me, not so hard that it seems like it's hurting me.
Every time I talk about good, positive things, I have to fight off a deep-seated unease that comes from lifelong expectations that stoicism is the ideal, neither complaining overmuch about the bad (no matter how bad), much less asking for help, nor talking about good things lest it be perceived as bragging or hubris. And that's part of the childhood programming I'm trying to change, so I'm going to say it: I feel good. Really good. After four decades of life, I feel like I've hit something like my full stride -- in terms of personal work, professional career, family life, land and environment, physical health and shape, finances, personal relationships, teaching, magickal practice and spiritual life, artistic and creative pursuits. It all seems much, much better than it's ever been before. The last several years have been hard, hard, hard, one serious and profoundly difficult life-challenge after another, one brutal and wearying storm weathered just in time to fly headlong into the next. And coming out the other side, I can say that I feel experienced, not weakened, and tested, but not broken. Do I now challenge the universe to test me harder, or feel like I have truly conquered and overcome life in any meaningful way? Oh no, so very much no...I may be sometimes foolish, but I'd like to hope I'm not nearly that foolish.
But right here, right now, I feel competent, skilled, capable, and I choose to claim all of those things. Not "in control," because one of the lessons of the last 5 years has been the completely illusory nature of being truly "in control." That's a need I've let go of. But as a charioteer, I've at least got hold of the reins, have learned how to balance some of the opposing elements within my own self, and have learned how to steer and how to read the road. And I like where it seems I am going. Mastery is not about being done, not about absolute control, but about building skills, learning lessons, and creating a good balance between will, intent and desire at each unique point in time, knowing that that temporary balance changes every minute of every day. It is about taking into account all the realities of the current situation, and as much as anything else, learning how to pick the battles, and where to put energy where it is likely to do the most good. It is about choosing companions in the journey who matter, who are true allies, whose dreams and goals are compatible with your own.
One of the hardest-learned lessons that has come over time has been that I am not invulnerable, and I do not have infinite time, nor energy or capacity for pain and fatigue. There are limits -- energetic, physical, time and other resources, and as good as I may feel right now, on a purely physical level, those limits may well get a wee bit more limiting every year, and that's natural, and that's life. But learning leverage, how to do more with less effort, with less damage and rukus and turmoil, when to do full-on battle royale, when to skirmish and assess, and when to just walk away...ah, I think that's one of those deep hidden mysteries. I don't claim to have anything like mastery there, and maybe I never shall, but damn it, I'm learning, I think I really am.
May we all learn, may we all find balance, and may we all be good students of life, to better enjoy the journey.
Warm hearth and the joy of charioteering to you all.
lylythe_strega at a restaurant from 930-1030pm last night after our show rehearsal was the only bit of totally free time I've had longer than a few minutes for at least a week, and the only time I'm likely to have until sometime in the middle of next week. I got up early this morning and cleaned out the wood boiler and loaded it with wood for whomever gets home first this afternoon to start it up, and set down another two rows of oak flooring upstairs, had a few minutes of hang-out time with my son and walked him up to his school bus, did a little road patching on the way back down, then made it off to work for an early-morning hospital Director's meeting, have a long series of meetings with my staff all day today, and after work when I get home I've got a laundry list of building projects that'll take me through late tonight, when the first few guests for the event we're hosting through the end of this week begin to arrive. I took tomorrow through Friday off from work, and the project list for tomorrow is daunting, but, I hope, doable. And in what few free moments have come along in the last week, I've been finalizing meeting and hosting logistics for this week, organizing several other upcoming events on our land, and trying to moderate and mediate several intense, contentious and potentially divisive discussions and issues involving spiritual and religious organizations I am involved with.
It should be too much, it really should. But it isn't. Because this is all such good work. Home, career, theatre, teaching, facilitation...all of this stuff is deeply, deeply feeding me on every level, and (at least so far) enabling me to keep up a pace that even being somewhat notorious for burning the candles on both and every end, I find kind of surprising. Do I want to keep up this pace? No, I can't believe that's sustainable. But while I do have occasional moments when the fatigue catches up with me for a minute, this load seems doable, for a little while -- a challenge, some hard work, but hard in a way that stretches me, not so hard that it seems like it's hurting me.
Every time I talk about good, positive things, I have to fight off a deep-seated unease that comes from lifelong expectations that stoicism is the ideal, neither complaining overmuch about the bad (no matter how bad), much less asking for help, nor talking about good things lest it be perceived as bragging or hubris. And that's part of the childhood programming I'm trying to change, so I'm going to say it: I feel good. Really good. After four decades of life, I feel like I've hit something like my full stride -- in terms of personal work, professional career, family life, land and environment, physical health and shape, finances, personal relationships, teaching, magickal practice and spiritual life, artistic and creative pursuits. It all seems much, much better than it's ever been before. The last several years have been hard, hard, hard, one serious and profoundly difficult life-challenge after another, one brutal and wearying storm weathered just in time to fly headlong into the next. And coming out the other side, I can say that I feel experienced, not weakened, and tested, but not broken. Do I now challenge the universe to test me harder, or feel like I have truly conquered and overcome life in any meaningful way? Oh no, so very much no...I may be sometimes foolish, but I'd like to hope I'm not nearly that foolish.
But right here, right now, I feel competent, skilled, capable, and I choose to claim all of those things. Not "in control," because one of the lessons of the last 5 years has been the completely illusory nature of being truly "in control." That's a need I've let go of. But as a charioteer, I've at least got hold of the reins, have learned how to balance some of the opposing elements within my own self, and have learned how to steer and how to read the road. And I like where it seems I am going. Mastery is not about being done, not about absolute control, but about building skills, learning lessons, and creating a good balance between will, intent and desire at each unique point in time, knowing that that temporary balance changes every minute of every day. It is about taking into account all the realities of the current situation, and as much as anything else, learning how to pick the battles, and where to put energy where it is likely to do the most good. It is about choosing companions in the journey who matter, who are true allies, whose dreams and goals are compatible with your own.
One of the hardest-learned lessons that has come over time has been that I am not invulnerable, and I do not have infinite time, nor energy or capacity for pain and fatigue. There are limits -- energetic, physical, time and other resources, and as good as I may feel right now, on a purely physical level, those limits may well get a wee bit more limiting every year, and that's natural, and that's life. But learning leverage, how to do more with less effort, with less damage and rukus and turmoil, when to do full-on battle royale, when to skirmish and assess, and when to just walk away...ah, I think that's one of those deep hidden mysteries. I don't claim to have anything like mastery there, and maybe I never shall, but damn it, I'm learning, I think I really am.
May we all learn, may we all find balance, and may we all be good students of life, to better enjoy the journey.
Warm hearth and the joy of charioteering to you all.
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no subject
Date: 2007-11-13 07:40 pm (UTC)see you tomorrow!
no subject
Date: 2007-11-13 09:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-13 09:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-13 09:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-14 03:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-14 12:36 am (UTC)Sounds to me like you're skiing the perfect slope of life. Enjoy it; enjoy it immensely, Dear One.
no subject
Date: 2007-11-14 03:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-21 05:30 pm (UTC)(PS that icon is HAWT!)
:)
Mo
no subject
Date: 2007-11-23 09:02 pm (UTC)lol...chainsaw for the Goddess ;>