a moral little tale

[chelidon]

I've been musing about integrity -- both, as yezida might say, the intent to be integrated in all of my parts, but more directly, being clear, intentional, and focusing on doing what I say, and saying what I do. This is an area where I've always struggled. My own habitual lapses here tend not so much to deliberate deception with myself or others, as with a perpetual overcommitment, always taking on one more thing, one more project. This leads to being unable to fulfill "all of the things I say I will do, by the time I said I would do them, to the extent I said I would do them, and to the level of quality I said I would do them," as so eloquently stated in the Expectations for Professional Behavior, an invaluable guide and reminder my ravishing partner ran across in grad school. I do get a lot done, but it seems like I'm always juggling a few too many balls, and while what I focus on tends to get done, and done well, every so often some things fall through the cracks, often enough that it really pisses me off. And I don't always get to spend my time in the ways that are best for me and others, because I'm running ragged to keep up with my plethora of projects and obligations. Being overbusy can be such a copout, an excuse to never have time to sit, think, contemplate, breathe. There's a whole complex interlocking puzzle there, of being a "do-er," perfectionism, procrastination, and so on, but in the end, it comes down to integrity, of choosing to do what I say, say what I do, and, along with that, only saying I will do what I think I can and should do.

And my experience is that the universe rewards integrity -- not in any kind of Judeo-Christian moralistic way, but just in the way that the universe tends to support that which is coherent, simple, and sustainable. A very brief and simple case in point: this morning I talked to a new editor who had contacted me yesterday to do a one-day turnaround news/analysis piece for a publication I haven't worked with before (incidentally, it's honestly a very real delight to have somehow gotten to a place where I have people coming to me with work instead of having to beat the street!) I told her that my initial digging around last night indicated to me that this is not a 1500-word piece as she had requested, but that there are perhaps, at most, 700 or 800 good words there, and any more would just be padding, or, alternately, she could just shelve the piece for now. This advice costs me money, since I get paid by the word, and if the piece is shelved, I get bupkis. The end result -- I've built up trust and respect with someone I haven't worked with before, she decided to run the 700-800 word piece, and the per-word rate goes up to $1/word, which is really excellent these days. And I have time to write 700-800 words and still pack for a camping trip I'll be leaving for tomorrow, perhaps even without having to stay up all night to do it ;> And, hmm...I think that rather than trying to do the hour or two of repair to our lovely yurt that I would need to do in order to camp in it (we haven't used it for a while), I'll just pack the big cabin tent instead. Hard to let go of the "wouldn't it be nice if..." and trade it for more space and time, and less stress, instead.

Simplicity, intentionality, integrity -- when everything is aligned, the pieces tend to fall into place on their own and hold together, without having to spend huge amounts of energy just to keep everything from falling apart. These are lessons I still work and wrestle with every day, sometimes more successfully than others. The most important thing, I find, is to hold the intent to strive, for clarity, integrity, and simplicity. As the Peace Pilgrim wrote (this quote sits on the desk directly in front of me, callig'ed by the woman who did my wedding invites, 21 years ago -- I need to see it every bit as much now as I did then!):

If your life is in harmony with your part in the Life Pattern, and if you are obedient to the laws which govern this universe, then your life is full and good but not overcrowded. If it is overcrowded, you are doing more than is right for you to do, more than is your job to do in the total scheme of things."

May your life be full and good but not overcrowded. And may we all be able to walk in clarity and integrity, doing what we say, and saying what we do.

Comments

[morrigandaughtr.livejournal.com]

Amen, brother.

[alobar.livejournal.com]

Something you may wish to consider is your long-term health. Perpetually over-committing oneself stresses out the adrenals. Long term (over decades) adrenal stress can lead to adrenal failure, thyroid problems, and can also impact your pancreas. It is quite possible to bring on diabetes, even if one does not eat a high carb diet -- just thru chronic adrenal stress alone.

It is easy to pick up bad habits (sleep dep, bad eating habits, caffeine dependency, etc.) when young because a young body is very resiliant to abuse. But bad habits tend to lead to an older life which is rife with long-term health problems, which do not easily reverse themselves, even if one breaks all the bad habits after the health problems are entrenched.

[chelidon.livejournal.com]

You said it. It's way too easy to become a perpetual adrenaline junkie. My body, pushing 40, while I'm glad is in generally very good shape, just ain't 20 anymore, doesn't bounce back as quickly as I used to. But still, sometimes, too often, I do the patterns of sleep dep and pushing through on sheer adrenaline that I learned early on. And you know, despite an excellent, healthy diet, I've got high blood pressure (under control with meds) and blood tests come out semi-regularly in the pre-diabetic range, despite no family history of diabetes. Adrenal overload much? ;> Yeah. I want to be here for the long-haul. I want to live long, die old and leave a very, very venerable and wrinkled corpse. What's the point of leaving a pretty corpse? It's just a sign that you didn't fully use all the material yiz was given, I figure ;>

Thanks for the reminder, I appreciate it.

[alobar.livejournal.com]

BTW, have you done research into the possible long-term detriments of your BP meds? Many I know on health lists talk of how most all meds taken over years have serious consequences. They appear to be OK initially, but if one does not figure out how to get off them, they cause other more severe problems which then require different meds to correct. Thus one becomes dependant upon myriad different prescriptiojn drugs by the time one is 70 and has little money to afford the pharm drug habit.

[chelidon.livejournal.com]

I did switch meds to one with the lowest side-effects I could find, and I take only a half-dose, but believe me, I struggled against taking any kind of maintenance meds, I don't like the whole idea. Of course, if I got enough sleep on an ongoing basis, perhaps I could dump the meds... Once I get a healthy hawthorne tree going here, I may give that a try...

[elnigma.livejournal.com]

I liked that document on professional behavior. Succinct. :)

[chelidon.livejournal.com]

It is a very, very good one -- really lays out plainly what is expected. A loooot of folks could do worse than read it....especially the part about, "this isn't about you." ;>

[lylythe-strega.livejournal.com]

Say it, Brother. Say it and mean it. :>

[chelidon.livejournal.com]

Darlin', the overcommitting part may always be a struggle of mine, may always be something of a pendulum swing, but I'm mindful of it, and I'm tryin'...

[lylythe-strega.livejournal.com]

I know it, babes...(*big strong hugs*)