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chelidonFrom one of the books on my current reading list, Harriet Lerner's "The Dance of Connection." My so-wise partner turned me onto Lerner some years back, with her first excellent book, "The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships," and I've got a lot of respect for the insights in each of her subsequent books (some listed below):
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"Prologue: Back to the Sandbox
I recently heard a story. Two little kids are playing together in a sandbox in the park with their pails and shovels. Suddenly a huge fight breaks out, and one of them runs away, screaming, "I hate you! I hate you!" In no time at all, they're back in the sandbox, playing together as if nothing has happened."
Two adults observe the interaction from a nearby bench. "Did you see that?" one comments in admiration. "How do children do that? They were enemies five minutes ago."
"It's simple," the other replies. "They chose happiness over righteousness."
[...]
The Paradox of Authenticity
Speaking our mind and heart is the most precious of human rights. The ability to speak our own truths forms the core of both intimacy and self-regard. The poet Adrienne Rich puts it beautifully: It is not, she writes, that we have to tell everything, or tell it all at once, or even to know beforehand all that we need to tell. But an honorable relationship, she reminds us, is one in which "we are trying, all the time, to extend the possibilities of truth between us. . .of life between us." When we are not able to speak authentically, our relationships spiral downward, as does our sense of integrity and self-regard.
We all long to have a relationship so relaxed and intimate that we can share anything and everything without first thinking about it. Who wants to hide out in a relationship in which we can't allow ourselves to be known? Speaking in our own voice, not in someone else's, is an undeniably good idea. I've yet to meet the person who aspires to be phony or invisible in her closest relationship. The dictate "Be yourself" is a cultural ideal touted everywhere, and luckily, no one else is as qualified for the job.
But therein lies the paradox: Speaking out and being "real" are not necessarily virtues. Sometimes voicing our thoughts and feelings shuts down the lines of communication, diminishes or shames another person, or makes it less likely that two people can hear each other or even stay in the same room. Nor is talking always a solution. We know from personal experience that our best intentions to process a difficult issue can move a situation from bad to worse. We can also talk a particular subject to death, or focus on the negative in a way that draws us deeper into it, when we'd be better off distracting ourselves and going bowling."
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Ah-yup. To Will, to Dare, to be Silent. To know when to engage, dig in, work hard, and when to walk away, to avoid enabling the harming of innocent people, to keep from getting caught up in inspiraling cycles of dysfunction, and throwing good energy after bad. Life's way too short to get pulled into grim crusades and sticky, poisonous vendettas. Bitterness is always a dead-end road. It's been said that a cynic is only a hopeless romantic who's been forced to face reality, but I refuse that seductive and obvious trap. Despite cynicism, uncaring, bitterness, falseness, ill-will, cruelty, blindly self-satisfied righteousness, and all of the other ugly, unhealthy shadows in the world, there's *so* much beauty, truth and love out there to be experienced -- to be taken in, sweet and deep, by every hungry cell in your being, endlessly revelling in the joyous exultation of rich, delicious life. Drink deep, soak it in, wallow, sing, scream, crow, laugh with joy and desire and the wild, ecstatic dance of abundant life-force that is all around us, always, everywhere!
I choose happiness. Bowling, anyone? :>
Some highly recommended Lerner books:
The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
The Dance of Deception: A Guide to Authenticity and Truth-Telling in Women's Relationships
The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships
The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate
Fear and Other Uninvited Guests : Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame That Keep Us from Optimal Living and Loving
-------
"Prologue: Back to the Sandbox
I recently heard a story. Two little kids are playing together in a sandbox in the park with their pails and shovels. Suddenly a huge fight breaks out, and one of them runs away, screaming, "I hate you! I hate you!" In no time at all, they're back in the sandbox, playing together as if nothing has happened."
Two adults observe the interaction from a nearby bench. "Did you see that?" one comments in admiration. "How do children do that? They were enemies five minutes ago."
"It's simple," the other replies. "They chose happiness over righteousness."
[...]
The Paradox of Authenticity
Speaking our mind and heart is the most precious of human rights. The ability to speak our own truths forms the core of both intimacy and self-regard. The poet Adrienne Rich puts it beautifully: It is not, she writes, that we have to tell everything, or tell it all at once, or even to know beforehand all that we need to tell. But an honorable relationship, she reminds us, is one in which "we are trying, all the time, to extend the possibilities of truth between us. . .of life between us." When we are not able to speak authentically, our relationships spiral downward, as does our sense of integrity and self-regard.
We all long to have a relationship so relaxed and intimate that we can share anything and everything without first thinking about it. Who wants to hide out in a relationship in which we can't allow ourselves to be known? Speaking in our own voice, not in someone else's, is an undeniably good idea. I've yet to meet the person who aspires to be phony or invisible in her closest relationship. The dictate "Be yourself" is a cultural ideal touted everywhere, and luckily, no one else is as qualified for the job.
But therein lies the paradox: Speaking out and being "real" are not necessarily virtues. Sometimes voicing our thoughts and feelings shuts down the lines of communication, diminishes or shames another person, or makes it less likely that two people can hear each other or even stay in the same room. Nor is talking always a solution. We know from personal experience that our best intentions to process a difficult issue can move a situation from bad to worse. We can also talk a particular subject to death, or focus on the negative in a way that draws us deeper into it, when we'd be better off distracting ourselves and going bowling."
-------
Ah-yup. To Will, to Dare, to be Silent. To know when to engage, dig in, work hard, and when to walk away, to avoid enabling the harming of innocent people, to keep from getting caught up in inspiraling cycles of dysfunction, and throwing good energy after bad. Life's way too short to get pulled into grim crusades and sticky, poisonous vendettas. Bitterness is always a dead-end road. It's been said that a cynic is only a hopeless romantic who's been forced to face reality, but I refuse that seductive and obvious trap. Despite cynicism, uncaring, bitterness, falseness, ill-will, cruelty, blindly self-satisfied righteousness, and all of the other ugly, unhealthy shadows in the world, there's *so* much beauty, truth and love out there to be experienced -- to be taken in, sweet and deep, by every hungry cell in your being, endlessly revelling in the joyous exultation of rich, delicious life. Drink deep, soak it in, wallow, sing, scream, crow, laugh with joy and desire and the wild, ecstatic dance of abundant life-force that is all around us, always, everywhere!
I choose happiness. Bowling, anyone? :>
Some highly recommended Lerner books:
The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
The Dance of Deception: A Guide to Authenticity and Truth-Telling in Women's Relationships
The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships
The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate
Fear and Other Uninvited Guests : Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame That Keep Us from Optimal Living and Loving
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Date: 2005-11-17 01:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-17 01:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-17 02:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-17 02:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-17 03:52 am (UTC)Do I get skinheads with that bowling?
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Date: 2005-11-17 04:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-17 04:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-18 03:58 pm (UTC)To Know, too. That place of deep knowledge...holding it, applying it, sitting with it. When is it used? For me, when it is wise to do so. Not from a place of anger or vindictiveness.
Finding that happy medium between wide-open receptivity and over-cautious cynicism - a thing most devoutly to be wished. Do you hold yourself so open that you forget to truly listen and be true to your boundaries? Do you shut yourself off so much that you're unable to appreciate the Beauty of Life? Neither one sounds ideal...it's up to each of us to find that place of Balance for ourselves. Hard work, but I'd rather do it than not.
And, yes...going bowling would make me exceedingly happy. :>