I'd *never*...
May. 19th, 2005 10:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chelidonA random bit of magicko-psychological theory --
A number of people I know have noticed that one of the surest ways to provoke a response from the universe is to utter the fateful words (especially in the presence of witnesses), "I'd never..." or "I could never," followed by a statement of something which is supposedly personally impossible or unimaginable. More often than not, the universe conspires to make just exactly that imposible thing happen, in some unexpectedly perverse way or another. I've noted this to be true, for myself, and many others I know. Maybe you have too. So why is this?
I suspect on one level it has to do with Time, with synchronicity. What I do *not* believe is that there is some all-powerful cosmic deity of Irony sitting up there, saying, "oh YEAH? We'll just SEE about that..." As much as it often appears to work this way (and it does appeal to my rather dark sense of ironic humor), I'm not quite so self-centered as to envison ultra-powerful beings who have nothing better to do than keep tabs on me and mess with my head, any more than I believe in an individual personal karma adjudicated by all-powerful deities watching our every move, noting each act into infallible books of cosmic accounting. Karma does happen, no doubt about it, but it's a natural, self-perpetuating law, that operates on an environmental rather than a personal level, not requiring outside intervention (and that's another topic...)
What I suspect is happening with the "I'd never" phenomenon is that that part of myself which is timeless is sending me a message that I'm entering a new probability field. I'm being given an opportunity for growth (dammit), by working on a place where I'm closed, where energy is tangled up and constricted. It's not that saying "I'd never" instigates the event, it's more that the fact that the "I'd never" thought came into my head is a signpost or a warning that something's on the way. I'm learning to pay attention to these thoughts, as perhaps the clue-tap that comes prior to the apearance of the clue-slap and the clue-brick, the clue-by-four, etc.
Another, more psychological way of looking at it is that the statement "I'd never..." indicates that whatever is being thought of matters to me, that there is energy invested in it, and it's close enough to the surface to bring it to mind in the form of an unambiguous and forceful asssertion. Energy seeks its own release, and so that particular topic is one where some amount of internal stress or pressure has been created by a constriction of energy (that constriction or boundary may be positive or negative, but either way, it's there). If I didn't really care about the topic, if some part of me wasn't actively wrestling with it on some level, the thought would not have come to mind.
There is also power in utterances, in oaths, in boundaries, sometimes a great deal of power. But it occurs to me that "I'd never..." is a negative assertion -- it states what I do not desire (or believe I do not desire), what I am against, not what I am for. Knowing what I am not, what I will not do, can be useful, but that same energy might be more productively put into a positive assertion of what I Will do.
As a very dear friend of mine who is going through her own deep turmoils right now said to me some years ago, when it was her turn to counsel and support me, and I was bitching that I couldn't believe someone I cared about had acted in very hurtful ways -- she noted that anyone is capable of anything, under the right (or wrong) circumstances. It's quite true, we're all capable of acting in ways which are very hurtful and damaging to ourselves and others, just as much as we can be constructive and healing. There is demon and angel in all of us, and intention, inclination and circumstances all play key roles in determining what comes forth at any particular point in time. Knowing myself in all of my parts includes knowing those parts of myself capable of acting in ways I may not like or be proud of.
That realization feeds my compassion, for myself, and for others. Which is not to say that it makes for a perpetually blank slate, forgiveness doesn't equal forgetfulness, and someone who doesn't use their past experience to affect future actions is a careless fool, not a saint. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, etc. But still -- compassion, forgiveness, for oneself and others, is an essential tool which can be used to free up energy trapped in old patterns of pain and grief, so it's possible to move on and not be bound by chains of sameness. Perhaps, in some sense, that's the real purpose of "I'd never..." -- to show where some of those patterns exist, and indicate an opportunity for growth (dammit).
All of that said, I will say here in front of whomever witnesses it, "I'd never win the lottery and have millions of dollars" ;> so there.
A number of people I know have noticed that one of the surest ways to provoke a response from the universe is to utter the fateful words (especially in the presence of witnesses), "I'd never..." or "I could never," followed by a statement of something which is supposedly personally impossible or unimaginable. More often than not, the universe conspires to make just exactly that imposible thing happen, in some unexpectedly perverse way or another. I've noted this to be true, for myself, and many others I know. Maybe you have too. So why is this?
I suspect on one level it has to do with Time, with synchronicity. What I do *not* believe is that there is some all-powerful cosmic deity of Irony sitting up there, saying, "oh YEAH? We'll just SEE about that..." As much as it often appears to work this way (and it does appeal to my rather dark sense of ironic humor), I'm not quite so self-centered as to envison ultra-powerful beings who have nothing better to do than keep tabs on me and mess with my head, any more than I believe in an individual personal karma adjudicated by all-powerful deities watching our every move, noting each act into infallible books of cosmic accounting. Karma does happen, no doubt about it, but it's a natural, self-perpetuating law, that operates on an environmental rather than a personal level, not requiring outside intervention (and that's another topic...)
What I suspect is happening with the "I'd never" phenomenon is that that part of myself which is timeless is sending me a message that I'm entering a new probability field. I'm being given an opportunity for growth (dammit), by working on a place where I'm closed, where energy is tangled up and constricted. It's not that saying "I'd never" instigates the event, it's more that the fact that the "I'd never" thought came into my head is a signpost or a warning that something's on the way. I'm learning to pay attention to these thoughts, as perhaps the clue-tap that comes prior to the apearance of the clue-slap and the clue-brick, the clue-by-four, etc.
Another, more psychological way of looking at it is that the statement "I'd never..." indicates that whatever is being thought of matters to me, that there is energy invested in it, and it's close enough to the surface to bring it to mind in the form of an unambiguous and forceful asssertion. Energy seeks its own release, and so that particular topic is one where some amount of internal stress or pressure has been created by a constriction of energy (that constriction or boundary may be positive or negative, but either way, it's there). If I didn't really care about the topic, if some part of me wasn't actively wrestling with it on some level, the thought would not have come to mind.
There is also power in utterances, in oaths, in boundaries, sometimes a great deal of power. But it occurs to me that "I'd never..." is a negative assertion -- it states what I do not desire (or believe I do not desire), what I am against, not what I am for. Knowing what I am not, what I will not do, can be useful, but that same energy might be more productively put into a positive assertion of what I Will do.
As a very dear friend of mine who is going through her own deep turmoils right now said to me some years ago, when it was her turn to counsel and support me, and I was bitching that I couldn't believe someone I cared about had acted in very hurtful ways -- she noted that anyone is capable of anything, under the right (or wrong) circumstances. It's quite true, we're all capable of acting in ways which are very hurtful and damaging to ourselves and others, just as much as we can be constructive and healing. There is demon and angel in all of us, and intention, inclination and circumstances all play key roles in determining what comes forth at any particular point in time. Knowing myself in all of my parts includes knowing those parts of myself capable of acting in ways I may not like or be proud of.
That realization feeds my compassion, for myself, and for others. Which is not to say that it makes for a perpetually blank slate, forgiveness doesn't equal forgetfulness, and someone who doesn't use their past experience to affect future actions is a careless fool, not a saint. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, etc. But still -- compassion, forgiveness, for oneself and others, is an essential tool which can be used to free up energy trapped in old patterns of pain and grief, so it's possible to move on and not be bound by chains of sameness. Perhaps, in some sense, that's the real purpose of "I'd never..." -- to show where some of those patterns exist, and indicate an opportunity for growth (dammit).
All of that said, I will say here in front of whomever witnesses it, "I'd never win the lottery and have millions of dollars" ;> so there.
