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chelidonThis may be my last long entry for a while, I'm entering a busy patch, but I wanted to share this bit that poured through me this morning.
-------
Where I am at this precise moment in time and space is nothing less than the result and sum total of all of the many and varied decisions I have made thoughout my life. I own those choices, more than anything else I may claim or believe to own. It's hard to pull out any one single thread from the whole complex tapestry of choices, but one theme, one intentional pattern to the whole, has been the choice of increasing my openness to the entire full spectrum of the richness of the universe.
Being and remaining open is so hard, so unsafe, and so essential. I walk the land I have chosen to inhabit, and the intense beauty of it flows through me, feeds me, because I am open to it. That openness is my connection to the land, and to the universe around me. That is how I know it is alive, and that I am alive, and that we breathe together. That is the channel through and by which I communicate with the divine around me. That is the connection through which the land and I share ourselves, through which I can truly know what surrounds me.
I open to my loved ones, and that is my connection to them, the channels through which we truly, deeply communicate, the means by which our souls sing their alluring siren songs to each other, exchange bits of ourselves, and come to identify and know that we are not, in the end, separate beings at all, but deeply entwined parts of one other, reflections, echoes, our individual journeys taken together along the same long spiraling path. We share, combine, sing, in descants and harmonies combining to form one, exquisitely glorious and infinitely complex endless song, perfect, and ever-changing. We come together, spiral apart, drift and coalesce and intertwine, the exquisite, irrepressibly ecstatic dance and deeply sensual song of the universe singing to itself, dancing for itself, complete in all its parts, just as we are complete in all our parts, whirled without end.
I feel myself expanding from within, I feel my heart opening, my souls swelling, growing, opening to greater and greater possibility. I feel the energies and sensations and emotions pouring in and around and through me in waves that would probably have wrecked me years ago, but every time I dare to think, "that's all," there's more -- there is no limit to the lessons the universe has for us, the new challenges and ways she gives us to stretch ourselves, and that is also her love for us.
Opening, opening, opening
ever open to life
ever open to possibility, ever open
to what was, what is now, and what will be
And also, to what never was, what is not, and what never will be
Deep-rooted currents of life, flowing through and in me,
abundant and powerful and unknowably wise
Deep-rooted currents of life, flowing through and in me,
tentative and vulnerable and uncertain
I am so hugely full
So overfillingly cup-brimming, sloppily flowingly full --
Full, now, of unstoppable ecstasy, of untidy expectations, and unquenchable joy,
full, now, of glorious abundance, painful disappointment, and awestruck wonder,
full of unimaginable sorrows, sudden gratitude, unanswered hopes,
of abiding faith, undesired outcomes, unknown allies,
unasked-for courage, uncomfortable failures, and unexpected secret knowledge,
That knowledge which allows me to hold my own will, intent, and desire
to be open, to continue to choose to open myself as widely and freely as I
can possibly have the courage to do, and be,
opening, still, now, opening up to the infinite, irresistibly untameable Wildness of the universe --
I wish:
to be the maker and the tool (and the Work)
to be the cup and the water (and the blade which stirs)
to be the earthen pot and the honey within (and the bees which together gather the sweetness)
to be all of these things and none of them, both less and more, all and none
center and periphery, good and evil, darkness and light,
both the monstrously unquenchable fire in the hidden hearts of the stars
and the nearly purely absolute and eternal chill of empty space.
But not now, not ever,
the tepid, passive-aggressively shrinking, unconnected, pragmatically
uninspired yet desperately dogmatic insistence upon only one answer,
one or the other, or worse,
out of my deep-seated primal monkey-brain fear, to pour all
the purity of fire and ice in my universe
into one pathetic, impotent vessel of everlasting mediocrity,
of forcibly transmuting in counterfeit alchemical obscenity,
white and black into grey, merging
the chorus of painfully, brilliantly scintillating colors
into one cool, silent lump of comfortable sameness,
of making my own life, my own world, into a place that is
quite safe,
surrounded only by
things like me, people like me,
experiences of what is known and understood,
thoughts and desires and dreams and hopes of what is easy,
usual, normal, comfortable, safe and orthodox.
There is the pursuit of luscious diversity,
of boundaries and differences and motion, of possibility and
change and the infinitely creative potential of the pure, eternal
paradox
which lies at the very heart of the universe,
the source, perpetual engine of life and death, the place of is and is-not,
of all and nothing, of None, One and All.
And there is the choice of constriction,
of minimizing, of shutting down and squashing flat, suppression and repression,
of eternal sameness, and sameness,
and sameness
of stasis, limitation,
breaking it all down into its fundamental elements,
dissecting all the messy living, breathing complexities of life
into their smallest possible scraps of dead bits of matter, of seeking
the simplest answers,
of walking away from possibility, of creating a world of absolute uniformity, conformity
and unchanging torpor,
the ultimate structure that can never be changed or transformed, because
there is no energy left to change it.
Apathy,
entropy.
All possibility of newness gone, zero potential energy, what science cleverly
calls the ultimate heat-death of the universe
I sing the song of life, of the Wildness of infinite possibility, the unimaginably complex delicious diversity
of all that is and all that is not, full of uncontainable wonder and painful, uncomfortable, unsafe
glorious transformations
The world is so full, so abundantly full, of life force, everywhere you look
I am, I am in, I am surrounded, by life, by beauty, balance, delight, and
love beyond all reason
I touch. I am touched.
I change. I am changed.
I desire. I am desired.
I grapple with, wrestle with, engage with, struggle with, pull and tug and merge
and become one with the multiverse around me,
with the unique and exquisite challenges of my own
unknown manifest possibilities.
I make my world, and my world makes me.
I align my will with the will of the multiverse,
and the will of the multiverse becomes mine
I enter, I am entered.
I taste, I am tasted.
I love, I am loved.
With each passing moment, my world becomes more and more the world it could be.
With each passing moment, I become more the person I could be.
With each passing moment, I inhabit this life more fully, I inhabit this body more fully,
I become more and more fully human.
I am the center of the universe.
And so art Thou, and Thou, and Thou.
In an infinitely large, complex and beautiful universe,
all points are equally the center. This is not a mystery,
It is simple truth.
You are the very center of the universe.
What center shall you be?
And how much of yourself will you choose to be open to,
and to know?
-------
Where I am at this precise moment in time and space is nothing less than the result and sum total of all of the many and varied decisions I have made thoughout my life. I own those choices, more than anything else I may claim or believe to own. It's hard to pull out any one single thread from the whole complex tapestry of choices, but one theme, one intentional pattern to the whole, has been the choice of increasing my openness to the entire full spectrum of the richness of the universe.
Being and remaining open is so hard, so unsafe, and so essential. I walk the land I have chosen to inhabit, and the intense beauty of it flows through me, feeds me, because I am open to it. That openness is my connection to the land, and to the universe around me. That is how I know it is alive, and that I am alive, and that we breathe together. That is the channel through and by which I communicate with the divine around me. That is the connection through which the land and I share ourselves, through which I can truly know what surrounds me.
I open to my loved ones, and that is my connection to them, the channels through which we truly, deeply communicate, the means by which our souls sing their alluring siren songs to each other, exchange bits of ourselves, and come to identify and know that we are not, in the end, separate beings at all, but deeply entwined parts of one other, reflections, echoes, our individual journeys taken together along the same long spiraling path. We share, combine, sing, in descants and harmonies combining to form one, exquisitely glorious and infinitely complex endless song, perfect, and ever-changing. We come together, spiral apart, drift and coalesce and intertwine, the exquisite, irrepressibly ecstatic dance and deeply sensual song of the universe singing to itself, dancing for itself, complete in all its parts, just as we are complete in all our parts, whirled without end.
I feel myself expanding from within, I feel my heart opening, my souls swelling, growing, opening to greater and greater possibility. I feel the energies and sensations and emotions pouring in and around and through me in waves that would probably have wrecked me years ago, but every time I dare to think, "that's all," there's more -- there is no limit to the lessons the universe has for us, the new challenges and ways she gives us to stretch ourselves, and that is also her love for us.
Opening, opening, opening
ever open to life
ever open to possibility, ever open
to what was, what is now, and what will be
And also, to what never was, what is not, and what never will be
Deep-rooted currents of life, flowing through and in me,
abundant and powerful and unknowably wise
Deep-rooted currents of life, flowing through and in me,
tentative and vulnerable and uncertain
I am so hugely full
So overfillingly cup-brimming, sloppily flowingly full --
Full, now, of unstoppable ecstasy, of untidy expectations, and unquenchable joy,
full, now, of glorious abundance, painful disappointment, and awestruck wonder,
full of unimaginable sorrows, sudden gratitude, unanswered hopes,
of abiding faith, undesired outcomes, unknown allies,
unasked-for courage, uncomfortable failures, and unexpected secret knowledge,
That knowledge which allows me to hold my own will, intent, and desire
to be open, to continue to choose to open myself as widely and freely as I
can possibly have the courage to do, and be,
opening, still, now, opening up to the infinite, irresistibly untameable Wildness of the universe --
I wish:
to be the maker and the tool (and the Work)
to be the cup and the water (and the blade which stirs)
to be the earthen pot and the honey within (and the bees which together gather the sweetness)
to be all of these things and none of them, both less and more, all and none
center and periphery, good and evil, darkness and light,
both the monstrously unquenchable fire in the hidden hearts of the stars
and the nearly purely absolute and eternal chill of empty space.
But not now, not ever,
the tepid, passive-aggressively shrinking, unconnected, pragmatically
uninspired yet desperately dogmatic insistence upon only one answer,
one or the other, or worse,
out of my deep-seated primal monkey-brain fear, to pour all
the purity of fire and ice in my universe
into one pathetic, impotent vessel of everlasting mediocrity,
of forcibly transmuting in counterfeit alchemical obscenity,
white and black into grey, merging
the chorus of painfully, brilliantly scintillating colors
into one cool, silent lump of comfortable sameness,
of making my own life, my own world, into a place that is
quite safe,
surrounded only by
things like me, people like me,
experiences of what is known and understood,
thoughts and desires and dreams and hopes of what is easy,
usual, normal, comfortable, safe and orthodox.
There is the pursuit of luscious diversity,
of boundaries and differences and motion, of possibility and
change and the infinitely creative potential of the pure, eternal
paradox
which lies at the very heart of the universe,
the source, perpetual engine of life and death, the place of is and is-not,
of all and nothing, of None, One and All.
And there is the choice of constriction,
of minimizing, of shutting down and squashing flat, suppression and repression,
of eternal sameness, and sameness,
and sameness
of stasis, limitation,
breaking it all down into its fundamental elements,
dissecting all the messy living, breathing complexities of life
into their smallest possible scraps of dead bits of matter, of seeking
the simplest answers,
of walking away from possibility, of creating a world of absolute uniformity, conformity
and unchanging torpor,
the ultimate structure that can never be changed or transformed, because
there is no energy left to change it.
Apathy,
entropy.
All possibility of newness gone, zero potential energy, what science cleverly
calls the ultimate heat-death of the universe
I sing the song of life, of the Wildness of infinite possibility, the unimaginably complex delicious diversity
of all that is and all that is not, full of uncontainable wonder and painful, uncomfortable, unsafe
glorious transformations
The world is so full, so abundantly full, of life force, everywhere you look
I am, I am in, I am surrounded, by life, by beauty, balance, delight, and
love beyond all reason
I touch. I am touched.
I change. I am changed.
I desire. I am desired.
I grapple with, wrestle with, engage with, struggle with, pull and tug and merge
and become one with the multiverse around me,
with the unique and exquisite challenges of my own
unknown manifest possibilities.
I make my world, and my world makes me.
I align my will with the will of the multiverse,
and the will of the multiverse becomes mine
I enter, I am entered.
I taste, I am tasted.
I love, I am loved.
With each passing moment, my world becomes more and more the world it could be.
With each passing moment, I become more the person I could be.
With each passing moment, I inhabit this life more fully, I inhabit this body more fully,
I become more and more fully human.
I am the center of the universe.
And so art Thou, and Thou, and Thou.
In an infinitely large, complex and beautiful universe,
all points are equally the center. This is not a mystery,
It is simple truth.
You are the very center of the universe.
What center shall you be?
And how much of yourself will you choose to be open to,
and to know?
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no subject
Date: 2005-04-13 05:53 pm (UTC)*sigh*
death. that is death, ya know.
the middle road is tricky in it's complexity, and dark for me, because walking in the light of my own integrity is not something i've been taught. but i have the tools, even in my friends.
thank you for being one.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-13 06:16 pm (UTC)This is the Work and this is LIFE!
Thank you for writing it so evocatively!
no subject
Date: 2005-04-13 06:26 pm (UTC)Yes, very tricky, and yes, integrity is one necessary and absolutely essential key. Hard lessons. I've certainly struggled with them.
The Third Road is the most difficult in many ways to tread. Because no one can tell you exactly how to find and follow it, each step is yours and yours alone to take (or not). But it's the only path that makes any deep sense to me, though perhaps because the alternatives seem largely illusory to me. And always better to see the hardest true road than walk the most pleasant-seeming illusion, because sure it is, sooner or later you have to walk the true road after all.
You're welcome -- I believe that we're all mirrors, signposts, beacons, allies and lessons for one another (whether intentionally or not), and I'm glad for anything I've done which has helped you along your own journey. And likewise, of course...
no subject
Date: 2005-04-13 06:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-13 08:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-13 08:49 pm (UTC)What center shall you be?
And how much of yourself will you choose to be open to,
and to know?***
All of it
All of it
All of it
Thanks so much for the reminder.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-13 09:04 pm (UTC)It ain't all pretty -- in fact, a lot of it's messy, a lot of it hurts, and a lot of it is hard, hard hard. But it's all real, and that's what counts.
There just don't seem to be any shortcuts, do there? ;>
no subject
Date: 2005-04-13 09:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-14 02:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-14 03:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-14 04:23 pm (UTC)I have been nothing but emotion for the last two weeks, a maelstrom. Now, I'm wide, wide open around that intensity, seeing it for what it is, seeing Us for what and who we are. Feeling everything at once, but with some perspective, some peace, and some measure of compassion and focus.
I understand you, love.
Thank you for your voice and your words.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-14 04:41 pm (UTC)