21 and counting...
Jan. 27th, 2006 10:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chelidonI went out to dinner with my partner last night to celebrate 21 years together (hey, we're "legal" now!). We had excellent Italian food (mmm, venison, mmmm, Tiramiiiiisuuu), good Tuscany Italian wine, and talked about everything under the sun, from friends and family, to working out trance details for the first part of a year long Rites of Passage/teacher-training class we're co-teaching starting next week at our place, and plans for a magickal arts restorative we're putting on in April.
And today I'm looking back at the last 21 years, and realizing some things. First and foremost, is the fact that bottomless depths of love, unbridled lust, and complete and utter respect as friends, loves, peers, allies and parents aside, we got here because we worked for it, every day, every year. Luck will only take you so far, being "in love" will only take you so far, common interests, aligned spiritual paths, shared history, and so on, will only take you so far.
What has gotten us this far is the desire to do it, the willingness to do the work together, and the actuality of making it happen. Sometimes the work is fun, other times it's not nearly. There's plenty of joy, and more than a little pain and shared sorrow. It's not that we can't conceive of being apart -- that would be a relationship based on need, on co-dependence. We could live apart, we just don't want to. It's a choice to be together, through good times and bad, because this is a person with whom I have chosen to spend my life, to be a trusted and loved companion throughout this life, and hopefully in others as well.
And, it is a willingness and desire for each of us to put the other's needs and desires at least co-equal with our own. Self-sacrifice isn't what it's about -- that's martyrdom, and not sustainable. Each person must know themself, and be true to their self. But it's not about selfishness either, it can't be. We give, we take, and in the end, there is a true balance, a reciprocity, a genuine desire for the other person to be happy, and the necessary actions taken to make it so, even if what makes them happy isn't the easiest, most convenient, or most personally preferable thing for the other. That's no small thing, and I've seen a lot of relationships fall apart on that very point.
After 21 years, we still strike sparks -- while there are enough similarities to be compatible, there are enough differences to make life interesting (sometimes very interesting...) This past couple of years has seen lifelong dreams made manifest, and other dreams taking clear form. Much has been left behind, and much that is new has taken root, where time will tell how well it all thrives in the bountiful garden we've built together. Our family (intentional and otherwise) has expanded, and will likely expand again, but the core of it all is love, in all of its complexity, mystery and wonder.
Despite what Virgil wrote, "Amor vincit omnia" ("Love conquers all") is not the truth, perhaps closer is "Amare et sapere vix deo conceditur" ("Even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time"). Still, "Amor est vitae essentia" ("Love is the essence of life"), that much is true.
And more to the point, for a long-term relationship, "Omnes ad unum in humum" ("Together into the dirt."), and "Ex uno disce omnes" "From one person, learn all people").
May we all love, ourselves, and others, truly.
And today I'm looking back at the last 21 years, and realizing some things. First and foremost, is the fact that bottomless depths of love, unbridled lust, and complete and utter respect as friends, loves, peers, allies and parents aside, we got here because we worked for it, every day, every year. Luck will only take you so far, being "in love" will only take you so far, common interests, aligned spiritual paths, shared history, and so on, will only take you so far.
What has gotten us this far is the desire to do it, the willingness to do the work together, and the actuality of making it happen. Sometimes the work is fun, other times it's not nearly. There's plenty of joy, and more than a little pain and shared sorrow. It's not that we can't conceive of being apart -- that would be a relationship based on need, on co-dependence. We could live apart, we just don't want to. It's a choice to be together, through good times and bad, because this is a person with whom I have chosen to spend my life, to be a trusted and loved companion throughout this life, and hopefully in others as well.
And, it is a willingness and desire for each of us to put the other's needs and desires at least co-equal with our own. Self-sacrifice isn't what it's about -- that's martyrdom, and not sustainable. Each person must know themself, and be true to their self. But it's not about selfishness either, it can't be. We give, we take, and in the end, there is a true balance, a reciprocity, a genuine desire for the other person to be happy, and the necessary actions taken to make it so, even if what makes them happy isn't the easiest, most convenient, or most personally preferable thing for the other. That's no small thing, and I've seen a lot of relationships fall apart on that very point.
After 21 years, we still strike sparks -- while there are enough similarities to be compatible, there are enough differences to make life interesting (sometimes very interesting...) This past couple of years has seen lifelong dreams made manifest, and other dreams taking clear form. Much has been left behind, and much that is new has taken root, where time will tell how well it all thrives in the bountiful garden we've built together. Our family (intentional and otherwise) has expanded, and will likely expand again, but the core of it all is love, in all of its complexity, mystery and wonder.
Despite what Virgil wrote, "Amor vincit omnia" ("Love conquers all") is not the truth, perhaps closer is "Amare et sapere vix deo conceditur" ("Even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time"). Still, "Amor est vitae essentia" ("Love is the essence of life"), that much is true.
And more to the point, for a long-term relationship, "Omnes ad unum in humum" ("Together into the dirt."), and "Ex uno disce omnes" "From one person, learn all people").
May we all love, ourselves, and others, truly.
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no subject
Date: 2006-01-27 06:43 pm (UTC)An LJ-acquaintance of mine posted recently about how s/he (I don't even remember who it was) didn't buy the idea that relationships should be constant work. But people see "constant work" so differently. I think a lot of people believe that it shouldn't be a constant struggle against being at cross-purposes, but I do think it should be the kind of work you describe -- where both parties keep in mind, at all times, the health of the other partner and the relationship as a whole, and do their best to work towards that goal. That *is* what you have to do to make relationships last, and if both people aren't doing it, it won't last (at least not to the satisfaction of all involved).
Happy anniversary. :)
no subject
Date: 2006-01-27 06:48 pm (UTC)May it continue. (*snoopydances and tacklehugs*)
no subject
Date: 2006-01-27 07:17 pm (UTC)NO BULLSHIT.
and, with very slight lapses occasionally, because we are merely human, we have held to that rule. that's what makes for longterm relationships in a world where if someone hasn't seen you for six months, they feel impelled to ask, "you and ron still together?" and congratulating every "yes" response.
of course, i have to add that luck had a tremendous amount to do with it, at least on my part. he is the best man i have ever met, or hope to.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-27 07:29 pm (UTC)Here here!!!!
Date: 2006-01-27 08:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-27 08:40 pm (UTC)Congratulations,
Swansister
no subject
Date: 2006-01-27 09:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-27 09:07 pm (UTC)And I'll lift that glass, too.
Hard work, and good play. Sorrow and joy. Anguish and bliss. ...sed semper amor.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-27 09:10 pm (UTC)Hell yes, luck is a big part of it, for sure. I give thanks just about every day for meeting my partner where and when I did, and the chain of circumstances that brought, and kept us together. And...luck is not enough, because no matter how lucky, sooner or later, luck runs out. And then you see what's really there.
Here's to no Bullshit, as much as possible. Which is not always, but hopefully, enough.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-27 09:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-27 09:15 pm (UTC)Re: Here here!!!!
Date: 2006-01-27 09:24 pm (UTC)Re: Here here!!!!
Date: 2006-01-27 09:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-27 09:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-27 09:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-27 09:34 pm (UTC)(*LOL*)
Date: 2006-01-27 10:27 pm (UTC)Oh, man. I have to say, when I first read this, the image of holding hands with your love and doing a header into the compost together came into mind...
We pagans. We just looooooove the earth!
I...I believe I need help of some kind...
Re: (*LOL*)
Date: 2006-01-27 10:29 pm (UTC)Which is why we all get along so well. Kindred spirits.
Or perhaps it's just our shared sense of humus. ::ducks::
Re: (*LOL*)
Date: 2006-01-27 10:44 pm (UTC)OH, TELL ME HE DIDN'T DESERVE THAT!
Re: (*LOL*)
Date: 2006-01-27 10:51 pm (UTC)But if we stop, does that make us ex-composts?
Re: (*LOL*)
Date: 2006-01-27 11:10 pm (UTC)Oh. Ow. Weak, sir...not your best. Actually, today is Mozart's birthday...arguabley the best of the ex-composts who is, himself, now compost!
Whatever hel exists, I'm going to it for this - and I'm takin' y'all with me... (*eveil wicked grin*)
Re: (*LOL*)
Date: 2006-01-27 11:27 pm (UTC)Re: (*LOL*)
Date: 2006-01-28 09:01 pm (UTC)He'll never be Bach... ;>
Re: (*LOL*)
Date: 2006-01-30 01:25 am (UTC)